Green Daily

As even politicians and oil company executives have noticed by now, we have something of an environmental crisis on our hands, and while I'm guardedly optimistic, it doesn't hurt to have a back-up in case things come apart. I'm not suggesting that we give up reducing, reusing and recycling – not by a long shot. But still, given the potentially dire nature of our predicament, common sense dictates that just in case pollution and climate change do spin out of control, everybody should have a plan B to get through the next few decades.

Herewith, in no particular order, my favourites:

Space Habitats

PRO : Going to space has long been my principal back-up. I've always assumed that if things down here got really out of hand, the government would bring out the secret rocket ships and launch the best and the brightest - me, Stephen Hawking, Halle Berry etc – up to an orbiting Utopia with sliding doors and rooms like an airport Hilton, only with cleaner sheets and a bigger TV. From our vantage point miles above the earth, Halle and I would live a gravity and care-free life, blissfully unconcerned about the mayhem below. A related possibility is Mars, depending how much fuel is in the government spaceships. There I'd run a tour company that would take people off-roading in the Martian hills in methane powered dune buggies.

CON: Firstly, I'm not 100% sure that the government has a secret rocket escape program, or if they do that that I'm a candidate for it. Secondly, I read an article this week saying that right now humans can't travel to Mars or even live permanently in space, because cosmic rays would kill us or at least turn us into hideous mutants. Hell, If I'm going to be a hideous mutant, I might as well do it in the comfort of my own home.

Domed Cities

PRO: The domed city is a futuristic wonderland where everyone will wear metallic jumpsuits and drive around in supercharged golf carts. Outside the dome is a perilous wilderness full of saber-toothed tiglons, collapsed skyscrapers and wise old greybeards yammering on about back in the day when everybody lived outside. Nobody wants to go there though because it's so nice inside the dome.

CON :There are no domed cities. I assume that someone will be working on them soon, but in the meantime, best to have another safety.

Tropical Desert Island

PRO: Who doesn't want to live on a remote tropical island, relaxing in a hammock while monkey butlers bring banana cream pies and pineapple daiquiris? Nobody, that's who.

CON: What Gilligan didn't know that was that tropical islands are more, and more nastily, affected by global warming than most other places. Also, all the decent ones aren't deserted at all but chock-a-block with people, Spam, and tourist casinos.

Down Under

PRO: It's always seemed reasonable that a place as far away from everywhere else as Australia would be insulated from the worst effects of eco-catatrophe, and that I could move down there and enjoy a simple existence of Vegemite, Foster's and kangaroo racing.

CON: The Aussies are suffering from serious drought and other climate related problems, which is why they keep coming up with things like Earth Hour.

Live In My Car

PRO: In this scenario, I'd roam a post-apocalyptic wasteland in a souped-up 70's muscle car, fighting psychotic mohawked bikers for the last remaining supplies of precious, precious gasoline.

CON: The same as the pro. This option totally sucks.

Planet of the Apes

PRO: A long shot, I know, but I truly believe that apes could do an excellent job of stewarding the planet if they'd just stop throwing their feces around (see monkey butlers, above.) Right now my wife is being very stubborn about refusing to let me keep an orangutan in the house, but I'm this close to teaching the dog rudimentary English.

CON: I don't see myself getting a whole army of ape administrators trained up before things go to hell.

Those are the best ideas I've been able to come up with so far, although I'm totally open to any thoughts that others may have.

In the meantime, I plan to keep recycling.